My Decision to Become an Au Pair

This is not the article you think it is.

Part of life is living, making mistakes and learning from them. I would say my life really started when I graduated college. I realized it was time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, make my own decisions and make my own living. This was all scary as I just earned a degree that I thought I didn’t want to pursue as a 9-5. I had some serious soul searching to do.

Since then, I’ve learned I’m a people pleaser. At that time I wanted to make people happy, in particular my parents. I looked for their approval since I didn’t have my own identity yet. I looked into becoming an Au Pair in France, but I remember my mother saying, “We didn’t pay for four years of school for you to be a nanny.” I am not blaming my mother for not becoming an Au Pair 4 years ago because I don’t think I was ready to go at the time. Either way, my parents helped me find an internship while I looked for jobs. It was unpaid. I was living at home. I was away from my friends and not looking for full time jobs too seriously because I still didn’t know what I wanted to pursue as a career. I didn’t have any hobbies. I was depressed and I didn’t realize it.

9 months later I finally got a job in a new city. I was excited to make my own in Lancaster, PA. I met some friends online and moved into a house with an older couple. I didn’t like my job, but it was a job. Then, I was fired. I was devastated.  I was on the up and up, enjoying being somewhat on my own. Now I had to start from scratch, again. Luckily, and with the help of my mother, I found another job within a month. I loved my co-workers and I was doing really well at the company. Still, it was not my dream job, but if I worked hard enough I could follow my dream of being able to move back to France with this company. I was also able to move into my own apartment and I loved life! I had made Lancaster my new home and I was really happy.

Then I met a tall, dark and handsome boy. From home. I was super happy, and I knew my parents would like him. He had a great job and was smart. He could provide for me. He was the complete package. But he was living at home, in my home town. I had just been promoted and I had the option of staying in Central PA or transferring to another city. We decided I would transfer home and move in together. I was so excited… I was being an adult and playing house!

But that became the problem, I was playing house. Once I moved home, I didn’t have a lot of friends. I didn’t get into hobbies as I had in Lancaster. I threw myself into my job because the cost of living was more expensive. When I wasn’t working, I was sleeping. We didn’t do things together, we were just roommates. I expressed my concerns, and it got better for a little, but then went back to the same. I was depressed again. I was back home, working my ass off and unhappy about so many things.

I decided to try and get back into my hobbies. I signed up for a field hockey league and it was a great start. I then signed up for the Broad Street 10 mile run, and that was another thing for me to do and meet people. I started to hang out with my old friends in Lancaster. I was doing more things alone than with my new man. I realized this relationship wasn’t going to make me happy in the long run, so I decided it was finally time to follow my dream.

How was I going to get to France? At this point, I found out it would take years for me to be able to go to Europe with my company. And thats if a spot opens up. I needed to go now, while I am young. How can I find work in Paris without being fluent in French? What company will sponsor me?

Au Pairing seemed the easiest way to make it happen. I told my man and he was accepting, as he knew it was a goal of mine. I started the process of finding a family and found one within 2 weeks. It was really going to happen! I was following my dream and I was doing it all on my own! I started practicing my French on the way to work and I couldn’t wait to put my months notice in at work.

Then came the heartbreak. I had to break it off with the man I just spent 2.5 years with. I won’t say it was easy, but I definitely felt lighter and a little free. The relationship we had created wasn’t healthy for either of us. We had built this life that was comfortable but not enjoyable together.

It’s been almost 3 months since I broke it off, and a month since we have lived under the same roof. We were able to end things civilly and I was able to get closure (compared to my last two long term relationships). It’s only now that I’m happy to admit that this failed relationship has allowed me to follow my dream. My decision to become an Au Pair came true because I wasn’t happy in my relationship. I don’t know if I would have ever made the leap of faith if I wasn’t that unhappy. I finally realized that life is sacred and time goes quickly so I decided to really take control of my life and do what I want. And it happened. And I have him to thank.

I’m now in a place that makes me happy, eating foods that make me happy and traveling which is the ultimate thing that makes me feel alive. I am happy to report I have my own identity now and found another man whose been so supportive of me “doing me.” As I’m trying this so called “adulting,” I have found some of the most important things to me and I’m going to take advantage of it as much as I can over the next 12 months. This is my year!

Whats the biggest thing you have learned from a break up?